The Power of God - Why We Often Don't Know It

This past week has been a horrendous time for my family. Even though the family that experienced the tragic lost of their son is not directly related to me only to my wife from her previous marriage, it has affected me deeply along with them.
This is a family that I have come to know and to love. They are my wife's ex-husband's family. They have remained close to her regardless of the sin's of her first husband. I have grown to know them, all of them. They were there for me, when I needed to go home and see my father when he had a heart attack, they purchased me a plane ticket to do so. I love them not because they did these things for me, but because the love of God compels me to love them. I knew their son, Justin, as well and I loved him. A young handsome man, who carried a struggle with sin in his life, the one sin that all were aware of was a continuing temptation to using drugs. He never found the power to overcome it on a "day to day" basis. He knew God's power, He knew that it depended on Him, at least that is what it seemed to all. At least for a time, he experienced some kind of victory over it.
He loved the Lord, as for awhile there he was learning of the Lord. He had been rescued from jail twice only to be sent to a Drug Rehabilitation Center where at least the Bible was being taught.
I remember when Justin returned this last time, he had a smile on his face and a joy in his heart, that seemed real. He had tasted of the things to come in Christ.
At least that is what I believed and thought. Satan didn't allow him for long to keep it. In a short time, Satan once again enticing the flesh led young Justin down a road that spirals toward death and destruction. He is no longer here with us, his mother and father, his brother Aaron, his aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmother, and friends and other family will never experience his laughter or his love again. Justin according to law enforcement reports, shot and killed himself while trying to evade arrest, he stole a Sheriffs car and killed himself with their shotgun.
I believe the reason Justin died was because, he had not been told the whole truth of God's power to keep him from sin on a "daily" basis, he was shown the way of men instead or led to believe he could do it himself. I believe once he believed this, the spiral of sin came back and he grew despondent with his consciousness of sin in his life, which led even more to abusing drugs and alcohol to numb the mind of the pain he felt. He wanted and desired so much to please his parents, but found he couldn't, it destroyed him, because as we all do, the harder we try to be pleasing to God, or the law, or the traditions of men or parents, the less we become pleasing.
The letter of the law kills but the Spirit gives life. It was truly the letter of the law that killed Justin, he wanted to keep it, he wanted to live it, as we all do, but there is no power within us to do so. We have no hope except in Christ.
Oh! there were the 12 step programs, the memorize scripture programs, there was the church building and services he attended at times and the many people around him who could have given him hope in Christ. Instead we offered him religious steps to take, things he had to do, to be accepted and successful. He couldn't do it, and he felt deep inside a condemnation for not being able to do so, So much he could only make the voice of his conscious be quiet when he was high on drugs or alcohol. He had not discovered Paul's dilemma and it's solution because the voices around him told him, he had to do it and for him to be ashamed when he couldn't.
I know that Justin in his heart desired to know the liberty there is in Jesus Christ, just as we all do, daily. There is a liberty in Jesus Christ, and Paul talks about this extensively in Galatians and Romans. A liberty that proclaims we are no longer servants to sin, but servants to righteousness in God our Father.
This does not mean we will never sin again, or that we will walk in perfection, or without some habits that we must seek the Lord in everyday to give us His sustaining power to overcome. It is to easy to be fooled, to think, that attending Church service and other religious activities are the answer for our lack of power over sin to overcome. There are thousands dying in the churches of America today.

I am a subscriber to a Christian retreat magazine, that I sometimes read, from a couple in Georgia, who have a ministry for people to come and be freed from the power of sin, to rediscover their faith in God. Here they are offering hope to others and from testimonies printed in their magazine, they have helped hundreds of people, by reintroducing them to the Word of God, and allowing them to confess whatever sins they have been overcome by to them without fear of retribution or condemnation. Yet, last year, their very own son, committed suicide.

What does that say for wood, hay and stubble and gold refined by fire. Unless we minister out of a relationship with Christ, led by the Holy Spirit, our ministry is in vain. Do I know this personally, yes I do, for years ago I ministered to a young man, a friend of mine, who had an alcohol addiction, who also ended his life in suicide. I had failed him, because I ministered out of a sense of duty, rather than being led by Christ and empowered by Christ to minister to him. I failed, I learned, that unless God specifically leads, don't go there. God has someone for everyone who is hurting and crying out for help, but it is God who will choose whom, when and where.

There is a season for ministry, and a leading that must come from the Holy Spirit and not who we think we are or what we think we know.
Knowledge puffs up, but love builds.
There is a time for us to be quiet and time for us to speak when moved by the Holy Spirit to do so. We may think often we have been called to minister to someone because of position, or title, or compulsion. God loves a cheerful giver, how can we give to others if it is not God who provides that cheer, that hope, that love. Though all of us are called to the ministry of reconciliation, we must wait on the Lord for the timing and the place, to offer what He may give, not what we want to give. I cannot even through all this writing and all my rants and raves, and judgements, and even my opinion give what God can give to others when He so chooses through whomever he so chooses to use. We are on our own, until that time, and if we don't already have a foundation in Christ, we too will fail. We are but clay vessels being molded by the hand of God ourselves, we have no special powers but the Power of God, to ever reach out to anyone. All my biblical training, all my preaching, all my teaching, all my wisdom, all my titles, all my schooling, all my successes are meaningless without God's power to break the bonds of sin for myself and for others.
Prayer is what we need more of, a continuing sense of God in our lives, a continuing conscious time in effort and by our will to stay in communion with Him. Jesus went to the mountain every evening alone to maintain that time in "his closet in secret", though I believe He was in constant communication with the Father throughout the day, where we and our busy schedules are not, and we are much too busy chasing after that which the pagans do, what shall we eat, what shall we wear, we miss that for which we have been brought into the Kingdom of God for, that is to trust Him, and live for Him first and foremost.
Money is a powerful god of this world. It rips apart family after family. It tears down the best of us, because of our love for it. Jesus made it very clear, we cannot love money and God. How right He is!
Jesus still took the time away from the crowds and the disciples to go to the mountain and pray. This is where I am today, home, in my thoughts of my Father, His ways, His love and His forgiveness.
I know our Father forgives us for our failure to show Justin a better way, my heart is broken for the loss his family knows, and my loss.
I am broken, for I look at myself in a mirror, and say God, I failed you again. Perhaps, I was not the light, that I could have been when Justin came around to visit my step daughter and son-in-law, perhaps, he couldn't see Jesus in me. Perhaps, if I would have been abiding in you, Justin would have seen you in me, and I would have been there.
I don't know, but I do know one thing - I want to abide daily, so I can know the power of God unto salvation.
Let us all, remember that, when we get so wrapped up in our own lives, and forget God, we forget the Justin's of this world, the Joe's of this world, the you's of this world and thus the Power of God is not what we know in our lives.
God forgive us our failure to abide in you so that we may walk even as Jesus walked.

Justin, I love you, man, my heart is broken in your loss, for it is my loss as well, to have you, a brother in Christ at my side so we could encourage one another, and lift each other up in prayer daily to sustain the temptations of this life and to continue as overcomers.
Fear not, for I have overcome the world, Jesus said. He has made a promise to us, a promise that says we too can overcome, but not in our own power.
We can only overcome by His.
Today, will we?
Will we continue in that presence of Christ or will go on with our lives, forgetting the lesson that Justin's life and death taught us, that without the Power of God, we too may turn to things that do not satisfy and and in the end choose death over life.

If what we offer others, is nothing else but our wisdom versus the Wisdom of God which is the power unto salvation, we minister in vain.
Unless we know that power of God in our lives to overcome this world, we don't know the resurrection power of Christ. For Jesus gives life, and life more abundantly. This does not mean he gives us things, or success, or power or anything of the false doctrines of today spewed from the mouths of lying men. No, what he gives us his Himself!
The problem is we simplfy the Gospel to a point of idolatry, we make it weak with the adding of the law. We tell a man when he is free, that he must once again go into bondage, to religion, to go to church, read your Bible, say your prayers and all will be well. It isn't.
Justin knew these things and even practiced them for awhile. He knew that Christ died on the cross for him, he knew he was forgiven, but often as all of us do, He didn't realize the power of His resurrection, His life within us, His power to sustain us minute by minute, when we keep our minds on heavenly things versus earthly things.
Justin was distracted but for a moment with this world, which we all are in danger of.
It easy for me and as well as you, to succumb to the lust of the eye, the lust of the flesh and the pride of life. It is easy to succumb to religion thinking we can live the Christian life in our own power. If there is one thing I know it is I CANNOT.
The problem with twelve step programs, is that they offer the idea of a god, or something outside of yourself, but then it all comes down to it is all about you doing it. It is a program that will keep you always in bondage to repeating to yourself, I am an addict, I am a drunk, I am anything but a new creation in Christ.
It never brings them to Christ, to know the Power of God, to overcome.
I don't talk from a perspective of one, that has not had these things of the world, overcome me. I do not talk from the perspective as if I have never been dragged into the sins of this world. I talk from experience, an experience with the real world of drug and alcohol abuse. I was a young man once myself, and I grew up in the sixties, I knew the experience of getting high, I knew the experience of using drugs and alcohol, to deaden the pain of your consciousness. To forget, but for awhile, and only become sober with the problem now complicated a hundred fold.

I found freedom, how? In Christ and him alone. You ask, have I ever faltered?
The answer is yes, to some things and no to others. I know the power of sin, but I also know the power of God to overcome. When I have failed, it is only because I tried, just as the twelve step programs teach to do it on my own. You cannot, do it, you cannot live the Christian life, you cannot avoid sin, you cannot keep from sinning. YOU CANNOT! But the living Lord Jesus Christ can. It is not by might, not by power, but by MY SPIRIT saith the Lord.
We minimize the power of God, when we add to the Gospel another self help program, another religious step you must take. We minimize the Power of God, that to change you must attend the building (the church) where the lie is told that it's God's house. We are God's house, and without that knowledge that we are His temple, it is easier to destroy it.
We are told to get all involved in religious activities, that hold no power at all. For they are carnal, they come from the works of men and his flesh. It removes the power of God, for by the works of the flesh, and the law, no man will be made right with God. No man can experience God as long as he, himself stands in the way of the work of the Holy Spirit.
I don't blame Justin, I blame myself and others who let Justin down, we didn't take the time, to share with him the real truth of God's power.
Though I did try, I did make an effort by reaching out and calling him once, offering to be a go alongside as a mentor or someone he could come to when faced with the struggle that would not preach to him, but pray with him for God's power to say no to this sin of the flesh- drug addiction. There truly is no addictions, there is only sin. It entices us whatever way we turn in this world. It knocks at the door of our hearts, every moment everyday. It may not be drugs, it may be greed, power, money, lust for women or men, abuse, anger, hatred, unforgiveness, anxiety, depression, at every turn there are the concerns of this world that will draw us away from His power and attract us to the power of (Satan, the world and the flesh).
Anything that turns us from dependence on Him, to dependence on our self, is sin.
For whatever is not of faith -in Him- is sin.
Thus all the rehabs in the world, all the jails in the world, all the poverty in the world, all the riches in this world, and all the knowledge in the world, all the religion in the world, all the tithing, religious works, will not save us from ourselves, the devil and this world!
We can only fall on our knees before a Holy God, and cry out, be merciful to me a sinner. That mercy of God is not just found in forgiveness but in His power that He gives to overcome. It is beyond ourselves to save ourselves in anything in this life or the life to come. We cannot bring God down to us, through sacrifice, we cannot bring God down to us by going through some religious activity or habit.
God has come down to us in Christ and all the promises are YEA in Him and in Him alone.

If we are minister to others, it has to be through the power of the Holy Spirit, not our title, our organizations, our self help programs, our religious activities but by the same love God showed us, that He - Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners. That same love and compassion can only be present by God's power within not our power.

I had just such a person, a pastor who took his pastoring seriously, to come alongside and be a very good friend first, then to help me by helping me mature to the fullness of knowing Christ. He answered many of my questions in the Word, by genuinely showing me the love of God above all things. His name was Olin Boles. He pastored a small church in Dickinson, Texas. He was a man who I believe ministered not out of compulsion but gave with a cheerful heart because he had the heart of God within him, and he knew how to depend on Him, for everything he said and did.
He never condemned, he never preached, he never taunted me with laws and rules, and things I had to do. He offered me only Jesus, by the life he lived, and the time he took to be my friend, and not my pastor. He gave me what I needed, so when I came back into the real world, at least I knew, where my power was to come from, not within myself, not within a continued calling of him on the telephone or dependence on him, but from the Power of the indwelling Holy Spirit.
I was able to finally tell my friends "no" to drugs and alcohol, I have learned that on one condition, as long as I was abiding in Christ, and not religion.
I was able to say no, by the resurrected power of the Lord Jesus Christ.
You see, Olin Boles, had one thing going for Him, he didn't minister to me, out of his credentials his title, or his own performance.
He was a man of prayer, and he didn't minister to me at all, it was Jesus within Him that did. It was the Power of God, it wasn't some religious thing he was expected to do, it wasn't even, something he thought of as his way to get into the Kingdom of God, he had the Kingdom of God within him.
That Kingdom showed forth in the compassion of Christ within him.
No pride, no arrogance, no sense of self worth, no sense of his title but a true sense to the function of the work of the Holy Spirit in his life.
I will never forget his love above all things. Here I was, 17 years old, strung out, using almost every drug known to mankind, and yet, he loved me and trusted God so much, that he trusted me to date his daughter though all of this had gone on in my life. He didn't see me or allow me to see myself, as a drug addict but as a new creation in Christ. He reminded me constantly of the Word of God in Romans 8:1 -

"There is therefore no condemnation for those who are IN Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of LIFE in CHRIST JESUS, as set you free from the law of sin and of death."

He ministered love and reconciliation, never condemnation, and I for many years felt I owed Him for helping save my life from the bondage of drugs. He would come see me while I was in the hospital, he would shoot pool with me, discuss whatever I wanted to talk about, he would listen to music with me, he never once opened his mouth about God until I was ready to do so.
He then, would sit patiently with me at my side telling me of God's power through scripture. A power that didn't come from religious effort and activity, it was a power that comes from God.
Oh! he could have spent much better his time, in preparation for his next sermon or teaching. He didn't, he took time from his title to be a living function of the Power of Christ within to a deeply troubled 17 year old boy.

You know, since I was 17 years old, I have lived and had to learn that same truth over and over again. I have had to turn to the resurrected life of Christ within to overcome. Many times, I did not, many times I failed, but then Christ speaking through Brother Boles, would speak those words to me along with another favorite passage of mine, I John 1:8,9 and 10.
The one part of that passage that not many religious people offer is missed.He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins AND TO CLEANSE FROM ALL UNRIGHTEOUSNESS! The church much often like the Catholic church, likes to keep Christ on a cross, yes, offering forgiveness of sin, but rarely offering the power over sin.
I believe the strongest reason there is for less power in Christians lives, is if you are in the ministry especially, you have a deep desire to be needed by others, and it fulfills some sinful desire to be looked up to, to be placed on a podium, so that all may see and hear you.
I don't want anyone to hear me, I desire above all things for others to hear Christ and of His power. I have nothing to offer. I have no wisdom, no power to help you overcome your sins, no power to give you, no power to bless you, no power to give you life, I have none of these things, I can only share with you "the testimony of Jesus Christ- this is the spirit of prophecy".
I can only encourage you and tell you my experience with His power, it is real, it is the power of the resurrection. I can also tell you I know the sting of death it is sin, and I know it's power, but I know that when I see Him, I turn to Him, first instead of my self, my understandings, my ideals, my philosophy, then sin cannot win!
I have discovered to pray in all situations if you want life in Him, I have also discovered that the flesh is weak but the spirit is willing. I can't answer why, we sometimes fail to turn to him first, but that it is much easier to turn to the traditions of men, because it is there, we can have pride, a sense of our own power out of our sinful selves. Sin does have a pleasure for the moment, but it always results in death.
What are these traditions of men? They are nothing more than our determination to cross God out of the equation of life, and to make ourselves god. As if any of us, can overcome sin in our own power, but we like to believe we can, we like to feel that we can, we like to tell other men that we can, and we like to judge other men because they have not. It is easy to clean up the outside of the cup, to polish it with religious position, or our own sense of title and power. It is easy for us to go about and look down our noses at those that fail, to bring wrath on them or hatred or judgement. We don't offer compassion, we don't offer love, we don't offer God's love and acceptance, we offer our judgement, our own sense of goodness, which God makes very clear, is "as filthy rags" before him.

Wood, hay and stubble, all burns to the ground when God puts his fire to it. We will have many firey trials in this life, they are for us to learn to not to build upon anything but upon the Lord Jesus Christ and Him alone. When we continue to suffer in some area of our life, it becomes time to ask God for His answers and not turn to our own. It is time, we learn from our suffering, not that it will ever end anytime soon, until Jesus comes, but we can find the Kingdom of God within, by finding His peace, His righteousness, His joy in the Holy Spirit.
I have no judgement for Justin and what happened, I judge no man by the flesh anymore, only God knows the heart and that man himself, for but for the grace of God, goes I. I will not say who ascends and who descends, for only Christ holds that for himself and His judgement. I was not called to be another man's judge as to what was in his heart, only God will know.
I can judge based on my experience, that Justin missed the point as we all do often, that the power to overcome comes not from within our own weak initiatives and willing it so, it can only come from the grace of God, as we fall on our knees before him, and seek him to be that which He is, our righteousness and our life.
May we all remember, that we too can miss the Power of God in our lives, whenever we think we can. We can't but Jesus can.

Dr. J.

The Arrest of Mickey Stevens

I was shocked to learn Tuesday evening when a friend of mine called to inform me that my friend Mickey had been arrested. He wasn't sure what it was about as he just walked into the living room when he heard his name on the television news for Tyler.
The story as so sensationalistic news these days goes, is Mickey had gone to the District Attorney's office to see if he could retrieve his computers for his work as a Real Estate Appraiser and for his needs for college which he was going off to this fall. The District Attorneys office and his investigators claim that Mickey cursed the DA when he refused to give them to him, and then they claim he hit one of the investigators. I just don't see it happening and if it did, they must have done something pretty serious to make him that way. Or was it the sleeping medicine the Doctor put him on? I don't know but their description is not the Mickey Stevens I have known and loved as a brother in the Lord.

Why were two investigators in the DA's office anyway? What was their purpose in coming in for a simple request by Mickey to obtain his computers. why weren't they out investigating? I have lots of unanswered questions here. Did they after a signed confession by his wife want to try to accuse him of the murder of his child? That would have made him irate- he loved Will.
Why haven't they either copied the hard drives or obtained off the computers what they wanted by now ( two weeks) if their is any evidence there of intent? What I have been told there investigation division doesnt even have a IT specialist to look at the hard drives. Where are Mickey's lap top and desk top. Are they locked away in an evidence room, or are they being used for personal business like so many others personal properties seized today by law enforcement. All he was told by the DA according to their side of the story is they had to be kept in a "capital murder" case. Why? They have Kathy's confession? Where had the conversation gone, to make my friend so angry, what was really said in that room in the presence of two investigators? Something set him off, because I have never even heard Mickey say a simple cuss word in our sometime heated political debates.

Mickey had already been accepted to law school, and after the death of his child, he almost considered not going. He was going to hang around Tyler, until his wife went to trial, etc. Then with the coaxing of his parents and friends like myself, we talked him into going on with his life and for him to go do what he has dreamed of doing for sometime now, that of becoming a lawyer. His desire was to help the poor, the downtrodden, to help set the captive free when they deserved it.

What angers me the most, is the arrest affidavit and the news reporters tried to paint Mickey as a dangerous subject.
I have known Mickey Stevens since 1999, when I met him, he was working for Lutheran Children Services. He was some sort of liason for the children in the system of boys homes. Mickey loved children and sought their protection.

Mickey has always respected the law and worked to help people through it.
He was even a Wood County Sheriffs Deputy and worked in the reserve for years. Previous to all that he had worked for the Tyler Police Department. Mickey was the kind of police officer that believed if you carry the badge, you lived the badge. While employed with Tyler PD, an incident took place where one of his fellow police officers had violated the law, either it was a excessive force case or something like that. I won't be able to tell you the full details because my memory fades me more these days, but anyway, the officer was facing problems because of his violation of the law. Mickey stood up out of all the officers that were witnesses or could have been he was willing as the only one witness to tell the truth about the incident. The officer was guilty of the accusation. Mickey because he didnt live the unwritten code that is so prevalent among a lot of Police Officers - the code of "blue covers for blue no matter what", left the department there as he felt that he could no longer be safe. He knew after that from the snubbing he received by other officers, and that if it ever came down to it, he couldnt count on them too cover his back. So, Mickey resigned what he loved doing there at Tyler PD.
He went instead out of Smtih County and found work part-time to keep his Law Enforcement Officers certification at Wood County. Sometimes working the jail, other times working patrol. Mickey took on various jobs after that some related to law enforcement others not. He worked for Child Protective Services in Canton, Lutheran Children Services and later as Private Investigator for a lawyer that I know in Longview who was an old professor of mine at the University of Texas at Tyler. He also worked for me as a private investigator for a short stint before taking that job.

In 2001, I helped Mickey find his way into the Real Estate Appraisal business which he has been working for the last several years. Quietly by himself driving the roads of America to do an honest service, where not much honesty is left these days. Mortgage and appraisal fraud is a mile a minute a huge new white collar crime in America. Mickey was one of those that refused to be dishonest and just give appraisals at the beckon call of many mortgage companies who won't do business with you as an Appraiser unless you give them the appraisal amount they want.
Mickey refused to work that way. He was an honest, upright, gentleman. He also loved his wife, he had fought for her life and mental sanity since marrying her. He worked hard to help her, helped her find the kind of help he knew best to send her too. He loved the law and he loved truth and he loved people.

In all the years I knew him, I never heard him use a curse word or show any signs of violence. The affidavit statements made by the District Attorneys investigators and the DA, are so far out of line from the Mickey I have been friends with. These do not reflect the Mickey Stevens I know. The newspapers in Tyler did even a worse job, making a video that was sensationlist. Today's journalism in my opinion is no different then the "yellow journalism" of the past. Most newspapers and television reports are like they are headlines out of the Enquirer or the Globe. They jump on and write the things that is going to attract the largest audience. In the old days it was called "yellow journalism" today we call it the news. What a joke!

In my day, a good reporter would not have just printed what was handed to them by an official, they would have seeked the whole story. They would have interviewed Mickey, his family and his friends. They would have had a different picture to paint. Thus, that is why the news doesnt go after the story anymore, because we as Americans are like the Romans at the Coliseum, we can't wait to hear something that strikes our flesh as appeasing and entertaining or whatever that stands out and is exciting. We want blood, we want action, we want a thriller, we want to see all the negative there is about people rather than some positive aspects of them.
The truth is we want to know the "trash" about others, it makes us live with ourselves easier, when we can lift up ourselves in our minds above the "criminal types". It helps us ignore the sad fact that we are sin sick as well.

Less we forget as a friend of mine said to me- we are all guilty of sin". God did not call Christians to judge but to love. We can still speak the truth in love but we are not in the position to judge- because "we ALL have been declared guilty. Thus God's word reminds us not to forget those who are in prison. I thank God for the work my Uncle and Aunt have done in this area of their lives. My uncle, an ex-cop, retired as a Chaplain from the Texas Correctional System. He and my aunt have done a lot to help young men find their way back in life and shown them how to live it right and stay out of trouble. We don't always agree on everything either in religion or politics, but in the end we love each other, because love must always be above all things, if we call ourselves by the name of Christ - Christians meaning (Christ one's).

Mickey and I had spoke the morning before the incident that landed him in jail. We talked about his going off to college. He talked about that he needed his computers and in a mild manner, not irritated or excited, he said he was going to go ask the DA for them, if he could release them to him now. He needed his to rap up his Real Estate Appraisal business and for college at Texas Tech's law school where he was going off to become an Attorney.
Mickey loved the law. We often had debates over politics as he was a "real right wing nut" I would call him. George Bush was his favorite President and hard core Republican he was all the way.
In all the debates he and I had, he never grew angry or used an expletive. We loved each others as brothers in the Lord. We could differ on politics and not separate friendship because of them. He called me a "conspiracy nut" sometimes. It didn't matter, I had respect for him and he respected me.

He was so happy I came to see him and contact him. He was so happy that I was there for little Will's funeral. He thanked me twice for calling him that Monday morning before he went to the DA's office to see if he could retrieve his two computers.
He sounded down and out. I could tell he was depressed which is anyone's normal reaction to the death of a loved one especially one's only child. He was depressed over losing his wife to her insanity as well, he told me she will never see the light of day again, because she would probably be locked up forever.
He was sad, the death of Will is sad and the fact that his own wife committed the act and now too she is gone from his life. What man or woman for that matter who has been through all of this would even keep their own sanity?
Remember, he will live with the memory of trying to save his son's life with CPR to no effect for the rest of his life. I have that same kind of memory of trying to save my former wife's life as well. I tried for approximately twenty five minutes, yet she died of brain death from the car accident we were in.
That memory haunts me in my dreams and in my wake. I was a Medic/Firefighter for 3 years in Colorado and had many a person die on me or where I wasn't able to save their lives with CPR. I had those I did save though as well.
When it is your own loved one, it is a different story. Just the death of someone you loved so dearly, leaves a large hole ripped open in your chest where it feels as if someone has removed your heart and left your chest cavity empty. It hurts more than anyone can imagine unless they have been through it. I know the hurt at least a portion of my hurt is the same as the hurt he has been experiencing. He couldnt sleep at nights, he needed and knew he needed to break away from his environment of his home and his child's toys as soon as possible. You have to for your own sanity. He had spent part of that morning packing away little Will's toys and clothes. His parents and her parents were to keep some of the items. I remember my own experience of living in the house after my wife died. Every sight, every smell, every moment was a reminder that she would never come home to me again. It will tear you apart. Mickey I sensed was hurting deep, he so looked forward to friends calling him, family visiting him, and anything that would keep his mind off the loss he suffered.
I don't know, because I wasn't there in the DA's office what actually transpired. I was not a part to the conversation. I do know Mickey though and whatever was said by the DA must have pushed him over the edge. It doesn't take much when you suffer with Post Traumatice Stress Disorder. I know, I have suffered with it since 2001 when my wife died. There is in the pit of your stomach that cries out, God help me, I don't know if I can make it in this life another day. Being a Christian is the only hope that keeps you hanging in there. Mickey knew the Lord as well. We had many a talk about religion versus a relationship with Christ. Mickey cared about justice in a world that is unjust. Mickey like me had seen the other side of the law labor force.
He has seen the corruption that often goes on behind closed doors. He wanted to help right it, as I do. He left those jobs he wanted to be effective in, because as I did, we found the world is not untouched by evil even in the things we as humans believe are good. He had seen men who wore badges like I have, live out their lives as if they were above the law. The side the public rarely sees, except now and then when we read some sensationalist news item where a cop or judge or other as been charged with a crime. They just happen to get caught. It goes on everywhere, everyday somewhere in America or across the world. Mickey wanted to become a criminal defense attorney to insure that the alleged criminal would at least get a fair trial whether guilty or not. That is one thing that we are guranteed by the Bill of Rights that seems these days has gone out the doors. Today largely due to the media, one is judged guilty already and must go to court to prove himself innocent.
What happened to America. We are as it says in the last days - 2 Timothy 3:1-5
But know this, that in the last days grievous times shall come. 2 For men shall be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, railers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3 without natural affection, implacable, slanderers, without self–control, fierce, no lovers of good, 4 traitors, headstrong, puffed up, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; 5 holding a form of godliness, but having denied the power therefore. From these also turn away. .

The above description doesnt fit my friend. He knew Christ and he knew that He is our only hope in this life. Yet, he is human as I or you, and just because we are Christians doesn't mean we don't hurt over the loss of a loved one. Just because we are Christian doesnt mean we don't get angry, or that often feel like life is hopeless. In honesty, our life on this earth is hopeless if we rest our faith in the things that are temporal here. We are to have our minds on heavenly things.
I can put no hope in what I see go on around me everyday in this world. Evil is more prevalent then anytime I can remember in my life.

Mickey needs prayer, he needs right now the hand of God to reach down and lift him up out of this quagmire that is left his soul without rest. He needs mercy, he needs love and he needs people to know the real Mickey, not the one the DA's office has painted for the lust thirsty press in America these days. I get really ticked off when I see how they play there cards anymore. What happened to truth in this country? What happened to mercy and compassion for the hurting, the injured, the victim, the poor, the unloved, the orphan? What happened, we have forgotten God and his declaration on ALL MANKIND- Sin results in death! That sin is not broken down into categories like man likes to do it. That sin says that all "our righteousness is as filthy rags before the Lord. That sin says guilty with the sounding hammer of God's gavel on the bench as the only judge in heaven and on earth righteous enough and holy eneough to judge anyone. That guilty accusation that rings across this universe was paid for you and I and Mickey by the very blood of Jesus Christ- who paid the debt you and I cannot pay! So, rest easy my friend, Mickey, someday, the real judge is coming back again, and when he does, many a man who judged and showed no compassion and mercy will recieve the same in the end. God is a true judge and jury and he will not overlook the sins of those who are always so anxious to point the fingers at others while 4 fingers yet point at themselves. There is coming a day.
Come Lord Jesus, Come.

Dr. J.