Today, has been pretty depressing. I got up to go to work, but I can't shake this sickness I have had for a week now, the boss didn't want me to come in, today or tommorrow, doesnt want me spreading the germs. So, I went home, got out the PC and started looking up old friends on Facebook, My Life and more. These things are wonderful addition to our lives, but they also can be a curse. I have some people I have connected with from way back, like high school, and some other friends I have stayed in contact with over the last several years beause of these things.
Once you start connecting with the one's from a long time ago, the memories you had of their faces, are soon washed away, the youthfulness, of those days, is suddenly aged, old and even sad. I think the worst part of it is, that most of us keep our memories of people in the past, as it somehow remains our connection to when we were young. It helps when you get older. It is the memories that somehow help us in our minds to see ourselves as still young, and strong. Then the shccker comes, you find your old buddy from school, your old girlfriend from school. The memory of them was youthfulness, beauty, handsomeness, strength, ready to have fun, and suddenly you see them, old, decrepit, not so pretty anymore, definitely not so handsome anymore, no youthfulness about them left,and they look like they feel like you do.
They are gray haired, overweight, and wrinkled, sadly just like you!
No,it's great to say hello after all these years, and even kind of fun to say remember when, but somehow, it kills the wonderful memories of yesteryear. On top of the sadness that brings, then there are those friends of mine, that are younger than me, people I knew when I was in my twenties, thirties, even early forties.
I am getting ready to turn FIFTY SEVEN! They still are having some fun, doing things, going places, enjoying life.
Here I am sitting and wondering will I get over this cold, and see tommorrow, or will it turn into something worse, maybe even crippling, or long term. When I was 20 years old right on up to being 40, I didnt have all things that are wrong with me now. I was still strong, handsome, ready to conquer the world.
Now, I feel as if I have been conquered.
I am now an insulin dependent diabetic, had two atrial fibrillation attacks, have high blood pressure, prostate problems, in remission for Crohn's disease, torn knees, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, suffer PTSD from the car wreck that killed my first wife. I have arthritis, and the list goes on so long right with all the pills I take, I can't even keep up with it all.
I am bummed and totally depressed now.
So, I thought I would go look at some old photo albums of mine. I did. Let me tell you that really helped my condition of melancholy.
Now, my memories are there, running ninety miles a minute, leading up to the loss of my beautuful wife of 27 years. I saw all their faces in the photos when they were young, even my relatives, the one's that I use to be close to. My nieces, don't even call me or write anymore, some of my friends that I had close relationships with, I can't find, and the few I did don't call or write anymore either. Some of them have passed away, some of them, I know they have to be dead, I can't find them anywhere, and I am an old Private Investigator that could find anyone, that nobody else could.
My memories came to a halt. I put the old photo albums away, to gather dust for a few more years, I shut off the computer, logging off from my Social pages, and dropped my chin. I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, "My God", where did all the years go?
What happened to that old me, the one that was adventurous, the one in those pictures, that went caving, mountain climbing, camping, and hiking. The one carrying his gun, looking like he could take out all the bad guys. The one of the guy loading patients onto helicoptors, fighting fires, chasing stories, and photographs to meet the deadlines at the newspaper. The guy that was an artist who did photography, painting and more, had a gallery in the mountains, traveled in a 14 foot raft fighting the whitewater with a paddle on the Colorado river.
It takes all my energy to get out of bed now.
I once was a firefighter, medic, private investigator, news reporter, photographer, living an exciting life. I did some cool and unique things in my life and have lived a unique life. As my friend, said on his Facebook page we really "all have had a unique life". Yes, it is unique to us.
We all have done things, seen things, gone places, loved others, known others, that is all uniquely ours, unique to our own individual lives. Nobody else lived our life! The sad thing it's over now, it really is, we are too old, to even think about it, it might cause us to have a stroke to think on it too long! Don't want to blow a blood vessel dwelling on it too long.
I don't think I will ever have those same feelings, same experiences, same loves, same adventures ever again. No matter what, once we get old, it comes to an end.
Oh yes, we will have new ones, but I must say, climbing up on a step ladder to get something down out of the cabinent for your wife, may be as dangerous for us now as climbing that mountain I once did, but do I want a picture taken of that adventure and posted on my Facebook or kept for future memories? Oh, yea, the cute waitress that might wink at us, like she winks at her Grandpa for gosh sakes!
Perhaps we should take pictures more now, so that in the years yet to come, when we are no longer lucky enough to walk or to even see the waitress, much less hear her speak to us - I wear hearing aids now as well.
It my be good to look back on those pictures then and have some great memories!
I guess, that is why I still ride my motorcycle, it still makes me think I am still young, vibrant, even strong. Of course, I know that if I crash at this age, I may never heal like when I was young, but heck, that's the adventure of it all. That's what keeps old bikers on the road, we want to live out that last minute of every day, thinking we still are young, and can live and love life again. This is why old people don't want to quit driving cars when they turn 80 - hey, it's the one adventure they can still have, dodging enraged young drivers, and making them drive slow behind, us, and just as they are ready to pass - speed up..ha you want to race?
I think that is why, whenever the pressures get to great these days, which seems they are more these days or us just that I fit into that movie " Grumpy Old Men".
I still get on my motorcycle, crank her over, and zoom down the highway, I feel free, young and adventerous again, Perhaps, I can still climb that mountain, but for the meantime my aching back from the motorcycle ride tells me, keep it to the step ladder, and enjoy the ride, it may not be long before that arthritis gets your legs and back so bad you won't be able to sling your legs over the seat, and ride the wind anymore.
Now, that's depressing.
To think my greatest ride in the future may be in a wheelchair down a handicap ramp, is not a fun thought. So, I think I am going to stay off Facebook for awhile, quit looking at the photos of what my old friends look like now, or what they are doing now, and close the books, get on my Bike and ride off into the sunset.
Isn't that what we do in the end anyway, is just take that last ride in a limousine, in a black box only to have someone drop our bodies into a hole in the ground. Now, that's depressing!
So, for now, I want to stick to my memories of yesteryear, and the things I did, the places, I went, the women I loved, the accomplishments of the past. The only accomplishment I have now, is I did it, I loved them, I acccomplished it, I lived life to it's fullest, and I like the memories just like they are.
Facebook, MySpace, My Life, Classmates, all that, they really are a curse. I prefer to keep my memories, thank you.
Sincerely,
Joseph Black
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Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Welcome To My Blog
This is my personal blog, that shall be first and foremost my personal opinion on Christianity versus the World.
Though, Jesus said we shall be in the world, He clearly taught us, we are not to be of the world. Here I can put forth, my theological, eschatological, soteriological, and Christology, as it should effect us as citizens of this world. The first point I want to make, is The Kingdom of God is not one which we await, it is now, in the hearts of millions of individuals who have life in Christ. The world will continue to rely on and feed on the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It will always be full of confusion, chaos, and even more confusion, especially for Christians. The reason most Christians find confusion in this world, is their lack of understanding, reading and internalizing the true Gospel of Jesus Christ. The very first thing we must grasp is that the Father is absolutely sovereign over all His creation. In so being, we will not find the answers by looking to the physical creations of man, his knowledge, his so called wisdom, etc. We can only discover Him, by knowing Him first, and as long as Christians try to perceive of God outside of the physical manifestation and words of His Son, we will remain confused. Paul stated very simply, the carnal mind CANNOT understand Spiritual matters. Thus religion pushes and drives man to find the answers in this physical universe by physical senses. What you come up with is confusion, chaos, and literally a destroying of the faith of the faithful. We must comprehend that God in His majesty can be understand only in the light of Christ life, death, resurrection and His fulfilling of all prophecy as related to the Jewish nation of Old. We are not to be looking for hope, we are to be living in hope. The first problem that we encounter as humans, is learning, that we are not in control, of the events, the history, of this world, or even our own lives. That God is one, and He is SOVEREIGN.
I have been dealing with these things in a greater way than ever imagined the last 8 years, since the death of my wife in 2001, my re-marriage in 2003, and now looking at my parents as they grow older everyday. My father just this past week was rushed to the hospital for a possible heart attack, he suffers Atrial Fibrillation, just as I do. He has been there for a week now, one minute, they say he has percarditis, an infection in the heart sack, the watery bag that God saw fit to place our hearts in, to protect them. The very same sack that the soldier pierced with his sword on Christ,and then pierced His heart.
I have been angry, depressed, angry again, and then most of all depressed. Why?
I am discovering the Sovereignty of God. Most of us, think we either control our lives, and the lives of others, or we desire to take control. Here I am, unable to be there with them, due to financial strains, financial obligations, etc. Here I am, and he lies in a hospital some 1600 miles away from me in Albuquerque, New Mexico. My mother is weakened by it all, my sister drove down to help she is only six hours away, and yet, they despair, because, my sister sees their needs, and my mother won't let her help.
I would move them nearby, tommorrow, if they would allow me to do so, to look after them, but because my mother and father still have enough of their mental facilities, they refuse to budge, not one iota will they think about moving to be near either one of us. The expectations are that we can give up our jobs, families and all, and rush out there and be there, whenever they need us for however long it takes.
They like most of us, want to control their own lives and even their deaths, and yet, they are no more able to control their circumstances in life, than you and I. None of us, can control what happens to us in this life, where we will go, how and when we will die, what kind of work we shall do to earn our bread, what our children will do, how much money we will make, where we will live, or where we will go. Unfortunately, this is the brunt but simple truth.
God is teaching us a lesson as children, we aren't on our own.
He is still our Father, our Creator, and as such, He makes all decisions, whether we like it or not. This is why we become angry. We have come to the realization that we control nothing. Absolutely NOTHING, we are not gods, we have no authority, power, or ability to control our lives.
Oh! yes, there are those, who may have more money, affording them more freedom then others, even perhaps more control, yet I've seen them with their wealth, it still didnt provide them the control they want over their own lives. I have watched their children, hurt them, I have watched their money, destroy them, and watched them die but by their own hand at times and by the simple thing we all must do, DIE!
There is no way out on that one, even the best healthcare, with the finest of Doctors or money, can't save you from that one appointment, no matter who you are, which in the end proves God's sovereignty.
Thus God when he created man, didn't make man immortal. There is no immortality outside of being joined with Him in Spirit, for he is the Immortal One. If we have not Christ, then we are dead, in our mortality and their is no life ahead to percieve. If we are in Christ, though our bodies are mortal, and shall return to dust as anyone else's will, yet shall my eyes behold the glory of the Lord, for we are spiritually immortal because He is Spirit, and our spirit is now of the image of Him as a believer, we have Eternal Life now, but immortality after we shed this mortal coil.
God in his wonderful grace, sees to it in His smarvelous love, that for those that aren't joined to Him, they too shall find rest, but it is in eternal death and darkness, where they are remembered no more, and neither shall they remember days past, days present or anything to come. For the dead have no thought at all. Judged, yes, tormented throughout eternity, no! These concepts were developed in pagan religion and the catholic church incorporated them into State Christianity, to control the masses, and even today, others seek to bring people to God, not from a sense of knowing His love, but fearing Him. How foolish that is.
How can one come to love their Father, if he threatens them, to torture them and punish them for all eternity if they don't. That's not a love relationship, that's a relationship built on abuse. I could not love my own earthly father if he told me, love me or else, I will capture you, and hold your body in a physical fire, and torture, you, and not only torture you, I will see that you live, to do this over and over again to no end!
What a hateful, and abusive father that would be.
I love my Creator, because He first loved me. I love my Creator because He gave me life through His Son, to be a son, a child of His. I don't fear Him in that sense, I fear what is out there, outside of His love, what this world holds to destroy you, the things that could reek havoc in your life. I fear what I have already known as a reality, that outside of Father's arms, there is no life, just death and judgement, in this life, the here and now and yet and alas, DEATH to the maximum- eternal death, mortality brought to a conclusion.
John 3:16 says, " For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that who ever believes in Him, shall not perish (die, have no life, be destroyed, annihilated, vanquished) but has everlasting life. God did not say, that whoever believes not in His Son, shall be tortured, by Satan and his demons, in a fiery pit of real flames licking your body, burning your flesh forever and ever. Man created that bunk, and unfortunately for far too long, an inappropriate picture of a loving God. God our Father of all life has been painted and twisted into a picture of a horrible, demanding, self centered, can't wait to punish you, mean Creator, that is just waiting to hold a match to those who want no relationship with Him.
What He says, is your my child, my creation, I care about you, love you, want to spend all eternity with you, I want you to know and experience my love to it's fullest for all of eternity or else you will die to the fullest extent of DEATH. since you are dead spiritually, and I am Spirit and you will DIE physically, this is what he says, and that death is eternal for you are mere mortal man, without my Life joined to your life. For only I am holy, and immortal, and you cannot be either one, unless you are spiritually joined to me, by trust in my only BEGOTTEN SON- Jesus Christ.
It is then and only then we become partakers of His Divine nature. Paul said He that is joined to the Lord is one with the Lord. To be ABSENT from the body is to present with the Lord. We are mere clay vessels, in which our loving Father right now chooses to put His life in, us, if we will simply place our trust in Christ, without Him, you have denied yourseld access to the Tree of Eternal Life. Eternal life begins here now, but immortal life is only for believers at the end of their mortal life on this earth. and so shall we be with the Lord forever more. I am thankful to know that my parents trust Christ, but as all of us, do we really, all the time? I think not, because our entire lives we have been told, that we are the Captains of our souls and the Master's of our fate. Somewhere, I heard something to that effect come out of the mouth of a little creature, the most cunning of all of God's creations, the serpent. For you shall not die, God is only trying to keep you from being a god, eat, taste, and enjoy for you shall live. The problem with teaching man, all men are created immortal is, it comes right out of the mouth of the SERPENT!
No, if you don't have Christ right now, you are already judged, shall be judged, and shall die for all eternity, and you have no hope. I have hope, He is my hope! He overcame, and because He lives, and lives in me, I shall overcome this world, and even my mortality, for I shall live, even as He does, for eternity, in the presence of my loving Creator. For God is love! I trust Him, though I may fail at times, He has never failed me.
Though, Jesus said we shall be in the world, He clearly taught us, we are not to be of the world. Here I can put forth, my theological, eschatological, soteriological, and Christology, as it should effect us as citizens of this world. The first point I want to make, is The Kingdom of God is not one which we await, it is now, in the hearts of millions of individuals who have life in Christ. The world will continue to rely on and feed on the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. It will always be full of confusion, chaos, and even more confusion, especially for Christians. The reason most Christians find confusion in this world, is their lack of understanding, reading and internalizing the true Gospel of Jesus Christ. The very first thing we must grasp is that the Father is absolutely sovereign over all His creation. In so being, we will not find the answers by looking to the physical creations of man, his knowledge, his so called wisdom, etc. We can only discover Him, by knowing Him first, and as long as Christians try to perceive of God outside of the physical manifestation and words of His Son, we will remain confused. Paul stated very simply, the carnal mind CANNOT understand Spiritual matters. Thus religion pushes and drives man to find the answers in this physical universe by physical senses. What you come up with is confusion, chaos, and literally a destroying of the faith of the faithful. We must comprehend that God in His majesty can be understand only in the light of Christ life, death, resurrection and His fulfilling of all prophecy as related to the Jewish nation of Old. We are not to be looking for hope, we are to be living in hope. The first problem that we encounter as humans, is learning, that we are not in control, of the events, the history, of this world, or even our own lives. That God is one, and He is SOVEREIGN.
I have been dealing with these things in a greater way than ever imagined the last 8 years, since the death of my wife in 2001, my re-marriage in 2003, and now looking at my parents as they grow older everyday. My father just this past week was rushed to the hospital for a possible heart attack, he suffers Atrial Fibrillation, just as I do. He has been there for a week now, one minute, they say he has percarditis, an infection in the heart sack, the watery bag that God saw fit to place our hearts in, to protect them. The very same sack that the soldier pierced with his sword on Christ,and then pierced His heart.
I have been angry, depressed, angry again, and then most of all depressed. Why?
I am discovering the Sovereignty of God. Most of us, think we either control our lives, and the lives of others, or we desire to take control. Here I am, unable to be there with them, due to financial strains, financial obligations, etc. Here I am, and he lies in a hospital some 1600 miles away from me in Albuquerque, New Mexico. My mother is weakened by it all, my sister drove down to help she is only six hours away, and yet, they despair, because, my sister sees their needs, and my mother won't let her help.
I would move them nearby, tommorrow, if they would allow me to do so, to look after them, but because my mother and father still have enough of their mental facilities, they refuse to budge, not one iota will they think about moving to be near either one of us. The expectations are that we can give up our jobs, families and all, and rush out there and be there, whenever they need us for however long it takes.
They like most of us, want to control their own lives and even their deaths, and yet, they are no more able to control their circumstances in life, than you and I. None of us, can control what happens to us in this life, where we will go, how and when we will die, what kind of work we shall do to earn our bread, what our children will do, how much money we will make, where we will live, or where we will go. Unfortunately, this is the brunt but simple truth.
God is teaching us a lesson as children, we aren't on our own.
He is still our Father, our Creator, and as such, He makes all decisions, whether we like it or not. This is why we become angry. We have come to the realization that we control nothing. Absolutely NOTHING, we are not gods, we have no authority, power, or ability to control our lives.
Oh! yes, there are those, who may have more money, affording them more freedom then others, even perhaps more control, yet I've seen them with their wealth, it still didnt provide them the control they want over their own lives. I have watched their children, hurt them, I have watched their money, destroy them, and watched them die but by their own hand at times and by the simple thing we all must do, DIE!
There is no way out on that one, even the best healthcare, with the finest of Doctors or money, can't save you from that one appointment, no matter who you are, which in the end proves God's sovereignty.
Thus God when he created man, didn't make man immortal. There is no immortality outside of being joined with Him in Spirit, for he is the Immortal One. If we have not Christ, then we are dead, in our mortality and their is no life ahead to percieve. If we are in Christ, though our bodies are mortal, and shall return to dust as anyone else's will, yet shall my eyes behold the glory of the Lord, for we are spiritually immortal because He is Spirit, and our spirit is now of the image of Him as a believer, we have Eternal Life now, but immortality after we shed this mortal coil.
God in his wonderful grace, sees to it in His smarvelous love, that for those that aren't joined to Him, they too shall find rest, but it is in eternal death and darkness, where they are remembered no more, and neither shall they remember days past, days present or anything to come. For the dead have no thought at all. Judged, yes, tormented throughout eternity, no! These concepts were developed in pagan religion and the catholic church incorporated them into State Christianity, to control the masses, and even today, others seek to bring people to God, not from a sense of knowing His love, but fearing Him. How foolish that is.
How can one come to love their Father, if he threatens them, to torture them and punish them for all eternity if they don't. That's not a love relationship, that's a relationship built on abuse. I could not love my own earthly father if he told me, love me or else, I will capture you, and hold your body in a physical fire, and torture, you, and not only torture you, I will see that you live, to do this over and over again to no end!
What a hateful, and abusive father that would be.
I love my Creator, because He first loved me. I love my Creator because He gave me life through His Son, to be a son, a child of His. I don't fear Him in that sense, I fear what is out there, outside of His love, what this world holds to destroy you, the things that could reek havoc in your life. I fear what I have already known as a reality, that outside of Father's arms, there is no life, just death and judgement, in this life, the here and now and yet and alas, DEATH to the maximum- eternal death, mortality brought to a conclusion.
John 3:16 says, " For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that who ever believes in Him, shall not perish (die, have no life, be destroyed, annihilated, vanquished) but has everlasting life. God did not say, that whoever believes not in His Son, shall be tortured, by Satan and his demons, in a fiery pit of real flames licking your body, burning your flesh forever and ever. Man created that bunk, and unfortunately for far too long, an inappropriate picture of a loving God. God our Father of all life has been painted and twisted into a picture of a horrible, demanding, self centered, can't wait to punish you, mean Creator, that is just waiting to hold a match to those who want no relationship with Him.
What He says, is your my child, my creation, I care about you, love you, want to spend all eternity with you, I want you to know and experience my love to it's fullest for all of eternity or else you will die to the fullest extent of DEATH. since you are dead spiritually, and I am Spirit and you will DIE physically, this is what he says, and that death is eternal for you are mere mortal man, without my Life joined to your life. For only I am holy, and immortal, and you cannot be either one, unless you are spiritually joined to me, by trust in my only BEGOTTEN SON- Jesus Christ.
It is then and only then we become partakers of His Divine nature. Paul said He that is joined to the Lord is one with the Lord. To be ABSENT from the body is to present with the Lord. We are mere clay vessels, in which our loving Father right now chooses to put His life in, us, if we will simply place our trust in Christ, without Him, you have denied yourseld access to the Tree of Eternal Life. Eternal life begins here now, but immortal life is only for believers at the end of their mortal life on this earth. and so shall we be with the Lord forever more. I am thankful to know that my parents trust Christ, but as all of us, do we really, all the time? I think not, because our entire lives we have been told, that we are the Captains of our souls and the Master's of our fate. Somewhere, I heard something to that effect come out of the mouth of a little creature, the most cunning of all of God's creations, the serpent. For you shall not die, God is only trying to keep you from being a god, eat, taste, and enjoy for you shall live. The problem with teaching man, all men are created immortal is, it comes right out of the mouth of the SERPENT!
No, if you don't have Christ right now, you are already judged, shall be judged, and shall die for all eternity, and you have no hope. I have hope, He is my hope! He overcame, and because He lives, and lives in me, I shall overcome this world, and even my mortality, for I shall live, even as He does, for eternity, in the presence of my loving Creator. For God is love! I trust Him, though I may fail at times, He has never failed me.
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