Reminiscing

Today, has been pretty depressing. I got up to go to work, but I can't shake this sickness I have had for a week now, the boss didn't want me to come in, today or tommorrow, doesnt want me spreading the germs. So, I went home, got out the PC and started looking up old friends on Facebook, My Life and more. These things are wonderful addition to our lives, but they also can be a curse. I have some people I have connected with from way back, like high school, and some other friends I have stayed in contact with over the last several years beause of these things.
Once you start connecting with the one's from a long time ago, the memories you had of their faces, are soon washed away, the youthfulness, of those days, is suddenly aged, old and even sad. I think the worst part of it is, that most of us keep our memories of people in the past, as it somehow remains our connection to when we were young. It helps when you get older. It is the memories that somehow help us in our minds to see ourselves as still young, and strong. Then the shccker comes, you find your old buddy from school, your old girlfriend from school. The memory of them was youthfulness, beauty, handsomeness, strength, ready to have fun, and suddenly you see them, old, decrepit, not so pretty anymore, definitely not so handsome anymore, no youthfulness about them left,and they look like they feel like you do.
They are gray haired, overweight, and wrinkled, sadly just like you!
No,it's great to say hello after all these years, and even kind of fun to say remember when, but somehow, it kills the wonderful memories of yesteryear. On top of the sadness that brings, then there are those friends of mine, that are younger than me, people I knew when I was in my twenties, thirties, even early forties.
I am getting ready to turn FIFTY SEVEN! They still are having some fun, doing things, going places, enjoying life.
Here I am sitting and wondering will I get over this cold, and see tommorrow, or will it turn into something worse, maybe even crippling, or long term. When I was 20 years old right on up to being 40, I didnt have all things that are wrong with me now. I was still strong, handsome, ready to conquer the world.
Now, I feel as if I have been conquered.
I am now an insulin dependent diabetic, had two atrial fibrillation attacks, have high blood pressure, prostate problems, in remission for Crohn's disease, torn knees, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, suffer PTSD from the car wreck that killed my first wife. I have arthritis, and the list goes on so long right with all the pills I take, I can't even keep up with it all.
I am bummed and totally depressed now.
So, I thought I would go look at some old photo albums of mine. I did. Let me tell you that really helped my condition of melancholy.
Now, my memories are there, running ninety miles a minute, leading up to the loss of my beautuful wife of 27 years. I saw all their faces in the photos when they were young, even my relatives, the one's that I use to be close to. My nieces, don't even call me or write anymore, some of my friends that I had close relationships with, I can't find, and the few I did don't call or write anymore either. Some of them have passed away, some of them, I know they have to be dead, I can't find them anywhere, and I am an old Private Investigator that could find anyone, that nobody else could.
My memories came to a halt. I put the old photo albums away, to gather dust for a few more years, I shut off the computer, logging off from my Social pages, and dropped my chin. I looked at myself in the mirror, and said, "My God", where did all the years go?
What happened to that old me, the one that was adventurous, the one in those pictures, that went caving, mountain climbing, camping, and hiking. The one carrying his gun, looking like he could take out all the bad guys. The one of the guy loading patients onto helicoptors, fighting fires, chasing stories, and photographs to meet the deadlines at the newspaper. The guy that was an artist who did photography, painting and more, had a gallery in the mountains, traveled in a 14 foot raft fighting the whitewater with a paddle on the Colorado river.
It takes all my energy to get out of bed now.
I once was a firefighter, medic, private investigator, news reporter, photographer, living an exciting life. I did some cool and unique things in my life and have lived a unique life. As my friend, said on his Facebook page we really "all have had a unique life". Yes, it is unique to us.
We all have done things, seen things, gone places, loved others, known others, that is all uniquely ours, unique to our own individual lives. Nobody else lived our life! The sad thing it's over now, it really is, we are too old, to even think about it, it might cause us to have a stroke to think on it too long! Don't want to blow a blood vessel dwelling on it too long.
I don't think I will ever have those same feelings, same experiences, same loves, same adventures ever again. No matter what, once we get old, it comes to an end.
Oh yes, we will have new ones, but I must say, climbing up on a step ladder to get something down out of the cabinent for your wife, may be as dangerous for us now as climbing that mountain I once did, but do I want a picture taken of that adventure and posted on my Facebook or kept for future memories? Oh, yea, the cute waitress that might wink at us, like she winks at her Grandpa for gosh sakes!
Perhaps we should take pictures more now, so that in the years yet to come, when we are no longer lucky enough to walk or to even see the waitress, much less hear her speak to us - I wear hearing aids now as well.
It my be good to look back on those pictures then and have some great memories!
I guess, that is why I still ride my motorcycle, it still makes me think I am still young, vibrant, even strong. Of course, I know that if I crash at this age, I may never heal like when I was young, but heck, that's the adventure of it all. That's what keeps old bikers on the road, we want to live out that last minute of every day, thinking we still are young, and can live and love life again. This is why old people don't want to quit driving cars when they turn 80 - hey, it's the one adventure they can still have, dodging enraged young drivers, and making them drive slow behind, us, and just as they are ready to pass - speed up..ha you want to race?
I think that is why, whenever the pressures get to great these days, which seems they are more these days or us just that I fit into that movie " Grumpy Old Men".
I still get on my motorcycle, crank her over, and zoom down the highway, I feel free, young and adventerous again, Perhaps, I can still climb that mountain, but for the meantime my aching back from the motorcycle ride tells me, keep it to the step ladder, and enjoy the ride, it may not be long before that arthritis gets your legs and back so bad you won't be able to sling your legs over the seat, and ride the wind anymore.
Now, that's depressing.
To think my greatest ride in the future may be in a wheelchair down a handicap ramp, is not a fun thought. So, I think I am going to stay off Facebook for awhile, quit looking at the photos of what my old friends look like now, or what they are doing now, and close the books, get on my Bike and ride off into the sunset.
Isn't that what we do in the end anyway, is just take that last ride in a limousine, in a black box only to have someone drop our bodies into a hole in the ground. Now, that's depressing!
So, for now, I want to stick to my memories of yesteryear, and the things I did, the places, I went, the women I loved, the accomplishments of the past. The only accomplishment I have now, is I did it, I loved them, I acccomplished it, I lived life to it's fullest, and I like the memories just like they are.
Facebook, MySpace, My Life, Classmates, all that, they really are a curse. I prefer to keep my memories, thank you.

Sincerely,

Joseph Black